Stepping back

This #thankyouthursday, I am grateful for stepping back.

I’m not actually sure “stepping back” is the exact phrase I’m intending. It could maybe be “letting go” or “easing up” or “pressing pause.”

The point is, I have been tolerating/accommodating/allowing various forms of stress and overwhelm for so long of a stretch that I started to forget it didn’t have to be that way, and then in the last few days I remembered I could make some changes.

And while I actually can’t or don’t want to change many big things, I’ve found a surprisingly large amount of relief in making small adjustments. In stepping back.

I unsubscribed from a lot of emails, so now my unread messages don’t balloon into the double digits after only a day. (Mind you, my unread messages are still in the double digits, but at least I’ve staunched the inflow.)

I stopped replying to most of my texts. (I feel bad about this, but also better than when I was trying to keep up.) (Related: If you’ve texted me and I haven’t responded—it’s not you, it’s me.)

And I started sitting around more. Without my phone. For seconds, maybe even minutes at a time.

There’s more (or would it be less?), but those are the main things I’ve been doing differently this week. My state of being is so much better. I do feel a vague sense of guilt, a sense that I’m disappointing other people, but if that’s the price to pay for pleasing me, so be it.

(And by “pleasing me,” I mean “preventing anxiety and overwhelm,” although pleasure is a welcome side effect.)

By stepping back/slowing down/zooming in—by minimizing my commitments and obligations, by neglecting or disregarding external pressures and expectations—it feels like I am creating space.

Space for more peaceful present moments, more gratitude for all that is good, more acceptance for what is right in front of me. More space for breath and possibility.

It feels like I am getting smaller so I can be bigger, if that makes any sense (and even if it doesn’t). Stepping back feels good, and I am grateful.

Love > fear,
Christina

p.s. I think part of what inspired me to step back is that a dear friend recently told me about Safire Rose’s poem “She Let Go.” Reading it felt like recognition and relief and permission, like putting words to a thing I’d felt for a long time. I guess my interpretation would be titled, “She Stepped Back.” 🙃